Mr. Goodbaby, your baseball team
has turned a peaceful town into a battlefield!
What you need is an umpire...
with a gun.
All your admiration is for nothing,
if you are in prison.
Prison?
All the mail this week are bills.
Now, you must pay them or they arrest you.
Oh, dear.
Forgive me if I take the liberty.
"Four killings in two days close Whiskey Slide Mines.
"Baseball game ends in...
"Baseball game ends in multiple murder.
"Mayor of town calls for armistice
"after seventh- inning massacre.
"'Our only hope,' says the mayor, 'is an honest umpire.
"'But one is not to be found in Whiskey Slide.'"
Funny...
but your creditors aren't laughing.
Uh-huh.
Uh, no, no.
Well...
here is a modern Diogenes
with a new plan for finding an honest man.
Get out of our way!
Unless'n you want your head shot off.
Mister, the next time you shoot, you shoot to kill,
or don't you shoot at all!
Ask him does he play second base.
Sorry about your horse.
You can go get him now.
And leave us fight in peace!
All right.
How's that, you hamstrung, bow-legged cow pusher?!
That you?! The catcher?
You were the one busted Jay McCoy with the bat!
Boys, play the game out fairly!
That's all we ask.
Fair? Fair?!
Who's talking fair?!
You're the one come right off the bench and caught that foul
and tried to call a third out!
Now, don't read at me with that rulebook!
Them rules don't say nothing but what you do is right!
And what we do is wrong!
Back! Back!
Quiet! Quiet!
Well, it's these fellas from Cooperstown, they begun it!
Now, Mr. Mayor- a ball team- that's how they make their living.
They come in here and dast the boys at the last chance to a game
and now we can't go out in that street.
Please, Mayor Whiteside,
I'd like to speak as an interested citizen.
Every penny we've got is tied up on bets made in that game.
Either break it up or make them finish the game.
What do you want?
I understood you were looking for an honest man.
Oh, you be Paladin?
I be Paladin.
Uh, this the man you sent for, Mayor? Yeah!
You're too late even if you are honest.
Well, perhaps if you told me what's happened.
Well, see, they begun betting on the game.
Well, they got to the top of the seventh inning,
and then they begun fighting with their fists.
And now, the game's hung up 73 to 68,
their side ahead.
And there ain't a dime for a loaf of bread
in this town that ain't bet on it.
Newspaper said some men were killed.
Oh-ho-ho, that's just wild talk.
The boys got to drinking and fighting back here in town.
Well, as you can see, some of the boys been
patched up where they was leaking.
Well, it's just luck that nobody was killed.
That was before Mr. Paladin came with his gun.
Now, now, Mrs. Cassell, uh...
Since this game began, everything else has stopped.
I believe the men would soon kill over their little game
than they would to stop the robbing of their homes.
And it won't help to...
to hire a man who makes a profession of it.
Well, now, that's true.
This here is just a ball game.
Tempers are mite out of hand
and half the men on the field are friends
or kin.
In the East, they have a thing
called an "umpire" for this sort of thing.
And that's all I propose to do- umpire the game,
force them to finish it fairly.
Sure. Sure.
Make them get out there and finish that game.
Your Honor, I understand that this town
will pay $1,000 for anyone who ends the baseball game.
Why, yes, yes, that's true.
Shall we say, uh, half now and, uh,
half when the final out is made?
Done.
All in favor?
Aye.
For your sakes, I hope that Mr. Paladin
can hold his temper.
Good day.
Hey, now. Whoa, hold it!
Hold it, now!
Told you to press off, dude!
Maybe he come back to play second base.
I came back to make you men a proposition!
Go on!
The only way you're going to get this baseball game played
is by finding an honest umpire!
It's just us and them, dude!
Try and find an honest man among them!
And they won't trust none of us! No!
Why, you're a bunch of thieves,
that's what's the matter with you!
You're trying to rob the whole game!
Now...
I'm the only stranger in town...
I've got nothing bet on either side,
but I do have some experience
in matters of violence! Sir?
Sir, may I ask why you involve yourself at all?
The honest people of this town
want to get this game played and over with.
They've hired me to umpire it for you.
Now, I owe nothing to either side.
You ever played baseball?
I was with Colonel Doubleday at Chancellorsburg!
I saw games in the National League in Cincinnati!
And in 1876,
I saw Candy Cummings throw the first curve ball!
I reckon maybe you could offset that rule book at that.
What about him, Goodbaby?
All I have wanted from the very start
is clean play and good sportsmanship.
It's not important who wins.
However, with your help, sir,
perhaps we can teach our lesson.
We're willing.
Mr. McNagle, let us try one inning with Mister, uh...
Paladin! With Mr. Paladin as official umpire.
The score is 73 to 68, in our favor!
No!
No, no, you listen!
Them last 14 runs was run off
while half our team was fighting!
And the other half was running for cover!
No, no, no...!
Gentlemen!
There seems to be some discussion about the score.
However, it is very close.
So, as of this moment, you are officially... tied!
I believe there are two more innings to play.
Well, all right, all right.
We've got to get this ball game over.
Gentlemen, to the ballpark!
All right, Mr. McNagle.
Mr. Paladin!
Mr. Paladin, a word with these boys?
All right, Goodbaby, make it quick.
Thank you.
Men, although there's a great deal wagered
on what we do here today,
we are met on this playing field
not to worship, uh, Mammon,
but to please the sporting heart of the gods.
So, let us keep our temper.
Play hard but fair.
Win with grace.
Lose with good heart.
I thank you.
Now, Mr. Umpire, our batter is ready.
Thank you, Mr. Goodbaby.
All right, McNagle, take the field.
Let's go! Let's go!
All right...
Wait a minute!
Now, what do you call that?
They got their ball and we got our'n.
Oh?
I think that'll do nicely for both sides.
All right, gentlemen!
Play ball!
Mine! Mine!
Boo!
Let's go! Let's go!
Safe!
Now, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I threw it a mile ahead of him!
There's one thing you forgot!
The first baseman has got to catch the ball.
Now, where's the ball?!
Right there it is, on the ground!
Now, do you want to accept that?
Or you want to go on fighting a war
indefinitely in this town?
He has a gun, Mr. Umpire.
Mr. Goodbaby, you quoted Pope to me about sportsmanship.
I will quote Plutarch to Mr. McNagle.
"Though small boys throw stones at frogs and sport,
"yet the frogs die not in sport,
but die in earnest."
I have to protect myself, I will!
All right!
You're blind!
But you be just as blind for us as you are for them,
you hear?!
Very well done, Mr. Paladin.
Very well done.
Goodbaby, play ball.
Oh, yes.
Now!
Of course. Thank you.
All right, take the field!
Come on.
Play ball!
I got it!
He caught it!
Oh, yes, yes, ma'am!
Darn fool game! It's a fool's game!
Play ball!
Mine, mine, mine... Oh!
How do you like that?!
You know what to do now, don't you?
Yeah. Good boy.
Play ball!
Batter's hit.
Take your base.
Goodbaby, get the next batter up there.
All right, play ball.
Hit him!
He dropped the ball.
Safe!
Well done, my boy.
Safe!
The man is safe.
Get the next batter up there.
Play ball.
That's not fair!
Take your base.
This man goes to second base.
Next batter!
Now, come on, get up!
Safe! Safe at all bases!
Safe! No!
Sorry, fella.
That was a mighty fine catch.
And takes first base.
Good boy.
What do you mean?! He didn't even try!
Play ball! Play ball!
Throw me the ball!
Throw him the ball!
You knucklehead, what was that?!
What's the matter with you?!
It-It was going to be what you call a double play.
It just come to me.
Just come to you?
I oughta bust you one!
Well, ask him, ask the umpire.
I get the ball to the second baseman ahead of the runner.
He's out, right? Right. Gentlemen...?
Wait, the second baseman
gets the darlin' throw over to the first baseman
ahead of the runner, he's out.
Double play!
We win! Who's the knucklehead?
What kind of playing is that?!
Gentlemen, the ball is still in play.
Oh, I say!
Next batter, get him up there.
Play ball!
Get ready!
Run!
He just nicked me! He just nicked you?
Safe!
Can I have a little quiet?!
Now, the score is tied
and McNagle, it's a good thing for you
that Mr. Goodbaby's first baseman was only nicked in the arm.
We're no better off than we were.
Before they were just fighting because they were drunk
and there wasn't much else to do.
Now they shed their blood on the ball field.
We can still finish this ball game
if I can disarm both teams.
You mean you intend to go on with this madness?
Well, I think they've learned a lesson.
Lesson in what?
The game teaches nothing but brutality,
uh, and time wasting.
Well, if you insist, Mr. Paladin.
The professionals will win
and our poor boys will lose everything they own.
They ain't gonna win!
I'll say! They can't!
Now, I would like to add something here.
Mr. Goodbaby,
will you agree to play this game if I disarm both teams?
What?
Why, I, uh...
Well, I...
suppose so.
They're asking a lot playing against these savages.
Goodbaby, that's the last time...!
No, wai- aah!
Now, you first.
Thank you.
Now... Mr. Goodbaby.
Surely, sir, you don't think that I carry a gun.
Surely, sir, I don't think
you're as big a fool as you seem.
Oh.
Good.
All right, now, they agreed.
We play the game.
With Paladin here the only man with a gun on the field.
Get them on. Come on.
Now, we gotta get this over. I miss me wife.
All right, let's go.
Mr. Paladin, you know, my men are hardly foolhardy enough
to play without some guarantee of protection.
Well, what's the matter, Mr. Goodbaby?
Those clumsy, awkward cowboys you were gonna swindle,
they turn out to be too tough to beat?
If that's the case, you come on down there to that ball field
and you learn your own lesson:
Lose with grace.
Oh, it isn't that.
You see, we don't have the cash to pay off if we lose.
We never thought they could defeat us.
But, well, then, that's what we thought in Gallup.
It was that team of Navajos in Gallup.
They took everything.
Well, I was certainly mistaken about you.
You're just as big a fool as you seem.
Here, here, what's going on here?
Here, here, what's wrong?
Mayor Whiteside, what would you say
if I told you this game was called- tied.
Called? Called on account of what?
On account of possible early afternoon earthquakes
followed by plague and civil unrest.
Well, now, wait a second.
You got our guns in there?
That's the idea, Sheriff.
That's the only way Mr. Goodbaby and his players
could ever get out of Whiskey Slide alive.
But what about our money?
Put it back in circulation, Mr. Mayor,
and don't make any more bets with strangers.
Goodbaby, you hold it right here
till I fire my gun.
Mr. McNagle, ladies and gentlemen,
I wish to make an announcement.
What's up?
Hey, where's Goodbaby and them?
Now, hold it.
I'm really doing you a favor.
Mr. McNagle, what you and your players
would do to Mr. Goodbaby and his players,
if you won this game,
would haunt your dreams for the rest of your life.
Dear, beautiful Mrs. Cassell, I believe you were right.
The West is not quite ready for baseball.
Gentlemen, you'll find your guns with the sheriff in Tucson.
Good win, boys! A fine day!
¶ "Have gun will travel," reads the card of a man ¶
¶ A knight without armor in a savage land ¶
¶ His fast gun for hire heeds the calling wind ¶
¶ A soldier of fortune is the man called Paladin ¶
¶ Paladin, Paladin, where do you roam? ¶
¶ Paladin, Paladin, far, far from home. ¶